fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
