Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
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