One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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