2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i dont even know how to be here
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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