My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize