I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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