Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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