I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
