He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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