i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have already put on my inside pants.
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