On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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