I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
