I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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