Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
