i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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