After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize