I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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