He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
