I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
