i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I intend to get homeless drunk
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize