I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
