I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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