he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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