Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
