While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
