i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize