There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
