You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
