Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize