Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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