Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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