roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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