Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
