I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
