remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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