I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
