can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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