if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize