Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize