but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
