I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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