My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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