Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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