I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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