Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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