I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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