Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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