My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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