i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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