I'm lost and stupid without you.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize