I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
