i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
