I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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