Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
