Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You've changed since you got that strap on
I pour the whiskey from now on
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
