I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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