but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
