Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
