Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
