i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
