I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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