im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize